history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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