I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
