i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
