Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
i think i have two assholes
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
