I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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