you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Randomize
