I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.