I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here