I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
