I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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