So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
