ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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