Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Yo dont text me then not text me
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Randomize
