just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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