right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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