I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
