I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
