Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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