She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
you had me at cake vodka
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Randomize
