I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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