his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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