There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
