I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Randomize
