He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
i think i just naturally attract stoners
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
