His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Randomize
