The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
