It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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