i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
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We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
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I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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