I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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