From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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