i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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