Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
