Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
