her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Redeem this text for a blowjob
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
