my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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