There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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