woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
