so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
His mom told be she once got turned down for playboy. 1 biggest mistake Hugh made. 2 is she hitting on me?
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
