Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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