Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
