I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
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