don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
