so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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