K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Randomize
