Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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