I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
