Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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