he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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