I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
