I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
