I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
