I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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