apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
