dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Randomize
