Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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