Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
