haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize
